My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize