These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
