I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
