i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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