This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
