the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
