I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
