i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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