your parents love me but you hate me
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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