Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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