Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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