You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
