Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
