It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
As shirtless as possible
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
