This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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