The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
