i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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