Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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