Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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