i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Randomize
