It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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