the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize