I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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