Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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