Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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