My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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