3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
