he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Randomize
