my phone needs a breathalizer
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
