she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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