I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
