I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
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