There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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