If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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