ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
