just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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