Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize