I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
