My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
