She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
