mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
