I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
