I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Randomize