The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
