Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I think I died a long time ago.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
