I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
