The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
