Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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