my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
i think my cat just said my name.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
