Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just pynch a tree in the face
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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