ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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