guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
