At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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