when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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