you win again, gameday.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
