dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
