$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
