I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Randomize
