I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
